The Man Diary
by Eternal Love LJ
Summary: Marauders don't have diaries. Sirius Black has Man Diaries.
1. Mr Tickles

**Mr. Tickles**

_Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing_.

_Dear Sirius,_

_I have some bad news for you. Your cat, Mr. Tickles, died yesterday. You were incredibly sad and you were so inconsolable that you couldn't even write to yourself. Your cat, unfortunately, ate three of the Hogwarts turkey dinners on Thanksgiving. I hope that when you read back on this moment when you are old and crippled that you will remember yesterday as the worst day that you ever walked on the Earth._

_With much love to myself,_

_Sirius Black_

Sirius grinned down at his entry. It was the first time he had grinned since yesterday when he found out that his cat, Mr. Tickles, had died eating three of the Hogwart's Thanksgiving turkeys. Mr. Tickles had been a great cat. He was loyal, trustworthy, and the best part was that he was not a black cat. He was a yellow cat.

James walked over to Sirius and patted him on the shoulder. He peered over Sirius's shoulder to look at Sirius's diary entry. "Padfoot, what the crapping hell is that?"

"It's my man diary," Sirius said casually before stuffing it under his mattress. "And you'll never be able to read it because you have no idea where I keep it."

James nodded, sensing that Sirius was being serious, not realizing how stupid he sounded. "Right. I just wanted to catch up on you. How have you been?"

James sat down on Sirius's bed next to him. Sirius had a pile of used tissues next to himself and a bottle of water next to his bed. "I've been crying a lot." He took the bottle of water, tilted the bottle, put his fingers at the mouth to catch some water and smeared it all over his face. "Can you tell?" He sniffed and then grabbed some tissues. "OH, MR. RICK- I MEAN TICKLES!"

James stifled a snicker. "You sure sound depressed."

"You know me better than anyone, Prongs," Sirius said, fake-blowing his nose. "Where are Moony and Wormtail?"

"Off putting nifflers in the Slytherin Common Room," said James causally. "Then they're planning to turn Snape's hair orange or something. Nothing special."

Sirius nodded and coughed. "I think I might be dying."

"How come?" James asked.

"Because I'm crying all the time, and I had to blow my nose _and _I coughed all in like, one minute."

James stayed silent for a couple seconds. "Pads, you have _issues_."

"That's what I told Marisa last night when she said I was hot when I cried," Sirius said, taking the water bottle again. He noticed it was almost empty. "Hey, Prongs, do you think that you could get me some more water? I wanna cry."

"Pads . . . you know what? Sure, I'll be back with some water."

"Thanks, bud," Sirius said happily. "I knew I could count on you!"

----- ------ ----

Later that night, James (being _so_ cleaver) summoned Sirius's man diary to himself. He grinned down at the cover, which said in big letters, _Sirius Black's Man Diary_.

He flipped to the first page.

_Dear Myself,_

_Today, you (being Sirius Black) saw a girl in the Common Room writing in a diary. When you saw her sign her name at the bottom, you (being Sirius Black) had an absolutely brilliant idea! You said to yourself, 'Sirius Black, why don't you have a diary of your own!' And look where your 16 year-old self is! Writing in your own diary!_

James put the diary down and snorted. Sometimes, it amazed him how retarded his brother-like friend really was.

**A/N: This is my third story today and I think I'm going crazy. I will not be surprised at all if this is not funny in the slightest.**

**Love,**

**-- Eternal Love LJ**

**R/R!**


	2. I Live For My Man Diary

**Disclaimer: I don't feel like writing this and I don't think that I should have to. I don't own HP and I never will. Blah.**

_**I do not own the song I used in there, and to the people who don't listen to the Beatles, it's a song called Sexy Sadie by the Beatles.**_

**I Live For My Man Diary**

"Sirius, what are you doing?" Lily asked as she peered over his hunched-over shoulders in Transfiguration class. She was behind him and he hadn't been paying attention all class, he had been writing.

" . . . Now Lily starts to read your entry . . . how evil of her," Sirius was muttering under his breath. "She won't go out with James, and at the time, you don't think she ever will . . . ."

"Black, what the hell are you doing? McGonagall wants us to Transfigure our rats!" Lily said harshly.

"She won't leave you alone and she is getting on your nerves . . . ."

"Black!"

"Now she repeats your name . . . like she thinks you forget it . . ." Sirius continues to write.

"Urg! Whatever!" Lily said.

" . . . Psycho."

"Pads, why are you calling Evans psycho?" James asked, walking over to him. He had already transfigured his rat, being the best at transfiguration in the year. "Only I can."

"You so called _friend_ starts talking to you. You remember him, don't you? His name is James Harold Potter . . . you met him when you were eleven years old . . ." Sirius muttered.

"What are you doing?" James asked, giving him a weird expression. "Oh! Writing in that retarded diary of yours . . . ."

"He hurts your feelings by calling your diary 'retarded'. . . ."

"Sirius Orion Black! You need to stop!"

"Remus being to yell at you. You don't understand why, though."

"Mr. Black, where is your rat?" McGonagall asked sharply.

"Your teacher begins to get agitated. . . ."

"Mr. Black, detention, tonight at 10 o'clock, sharp!"

"She gives you a detention. . . ."

James grabs the diary from Sirius hands.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sirius says, then takes a breath. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

"That is enough, Mr. Black! Go in the time-out corner!" McGonagall yells.

Sirius shuffles unhappily over to the corner labeled 'Sirius Black's Quiet Seat'. He sat down and began singing to himself.

"Sexy Sadie . . . what have you done! You made a fool of everyone! You made a fool of everyone! You . . . Sexy Sadie! You get yours yet!" Sirius sang, forgetting words.

"Mr. Black, would you please stop singing?" McGonagall asked. "Hence the name _Sirius's Quiet Chair_."

"Right, Professor," Sirius nodded.

Sadie Harrison, who was sitting next to Lily, was blushing profusely.

"However big you think you arrrrre! SEXY SADIE! YOU GET YOURS YET!" Sirius screamed.

"MR. BLACK!"

"Sorry, Minerva."

"Go see your Head of House!"

Sirius hung his head but grinned. "Okay," he grumbled and stood up and trudged over to McGonagall. "Professor McGonagall, Professor McGonagall sent me."

McGonagall was fuming, but trying not to laugh. "Urg! Go see Dumbledore!"

"Can I have my Man Diary back?" Sirius asked.

"Your _what_?" she asked.

"No! Don't give it back!" James, Lily, and Remus said in unison.

"Shut up!" Sirius said to them. "I _live_ for my Man Diary!"

"No! You can't have it back! Now, go see Dumbledore!"

"Yes, Sir," Sirius said. "I mean Miss! I mean Mrs.! I mean . . . shit! I mean . . . damn! I mean CRAP!"

"Mr. Black!"

"What?" Sirius asked as if nothing had happened.

"Leave!"

"Coolness."

"He's completely lost it," James said to Lily and Remus.

"He's going to get himself killed," Remus sighed.

"I think you all are going to get yourselves killed," Lily said.

**A/N: There you go! Review, be cool, and tell me what you thought!**

**Love,**

**--Eternal Love LJ**

_**I do not own the song I used in there, and to the people who don't listen to the Beatles, it's a song called Sexy Sadie by the Beatles.**_


	3. Life Without Myself

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything_.

**Life Without Myself**

"I've lost my cat, _and_ my diary! This is the apocalypse! A complete outrage, is what this is. I'll tall yah, buddy, I can't _wait_ until I get my damn diary back. Because when I do! I'll be able to stop talking to you and I'll be able to talk to more important people . . . like myself! And my cat, Mr. Pickles, he was my other best friend. No one understands me, but he liked me! He would follow me around and meow at me, and sometimes he would even do his little _hiss_ of affection. There will never be another cat like Patrick, I'll tell you. I remember this one time, when he had gotten into Mrs. Norris's mouse collection-"

"PADFOOT!" James said, standing up, annoyed beyond belief. "You are a _three year old!_ Go get a girlfriend."

Sirius cocked his head at James and said, "I've had plenty of girlfriends. One of them even colored in coloring books with me. _She was my favorite_," he whispered.

James rolled his eyes and replied, "That's great for you, Pads, but I really should get downstairs. I have Lily Watching to do and all."

"Yes," Sirius said, "And I have Girl Catching to do."

The two of them walked down the stairs and into the common room. Since it was only around 7 o'clock, most of the Gryffindors were in the room, milling about or talking to some friends. James soon spotted Lily and rushed over to her, offering to take her out for some ice cream or what not.

Sirius was no dummy when it came to girls. He might like to color in Clifford, the Big Red Dog, but he was a special Marauder. He was . . . privileged. Well, I guess it depends on how you look at it.

He walked out of the common room and started meandering the halls. He ended up right next to the Transfiguration room, and decided to take a peak in. And sitting at her desk was his favorite person in the whole wide, wide, wide world, Professor McGonagall.

"Minerva!" Sirius exploded, walking into the room. He strode over to her confidently as she buried her face in her hands. "I need my diary back."

McGonagall peaked through her fingers and said, "Why? You're a guy. No offense, Black, but you probably shouldn't have a diary."

Sirius rolled his eyes and said, "_Duh!_ That's why I call it a _Man Diary!_"

McGonagall pulled it out of her draw and saw that indeed, it did say _Man Diary_ on the cover.

"Have you ever written about me in it?" she asked, flipping through the pages. "I'm sure that you just pour your heart out into this thing."

Sirius nodded his head proudly. "It has everything in it. It's like the Bible of Sirius Black!"

"Maybe that's what you should call it," McGonagall said, handing it back to him. "Less girls would think that you're gay."

Sirius looked shocked at Minerva for a moment. "G-girls think that I'm . . . _gay?_" he asked, appalled.

"Not that there's anything wrong with it," McGonagall said, shifting through her pile of homework. "Now, would you please leave me be?"

"I like girls!"

"Yes, Black, I'm sure you do."

"Girls . . . girls are pretty!"

McGonagall nodded impatiently and replied, "Yes, and men are annoying. Please leave."

----- ------ ----

Sirius got back in his dorm and opened up his diary once more. He cleared his throat and took out a quill and a new inkbottle. He dipped the quill into the bottle elegantly and began writing.

_Dear Me!_

_Wow, I am _so_ glad that I finally get to talk to you! I mean, it's not like I've been with myself for all the day that I was without you! I really missed you, Diary, and this makes me fully appreciate the fact that I have you_

_In fact, I think now that I am going to throw a celebration for you tomorrow just to show the world how much I love you._

_Smooches, _

_Me!_

----- ------ ----

**A/N: Whoa, I haven't updated this in forever! Leave a review! And I promise that I'll update soon, because I'm on Thanksgiving vacation :)**

**--Eternal Love LJ**

**R/R!**


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